I am only still counting my years around this earth, because of this team right here. Twelve years ago, without these two, I wouldn't be sitting here typing still. She is my angelic daughter who kept me fighting for more, for life, for us. He is my miracle doc, feels more like family that cares than just any title of doctor. He is my epileptologist, my mentor, my earthly savior, my neurologist who also helped guide me to my brain surgeries, off wrong medications, on right ones- yet listens to my thoughts and feelings on them. Dr. Joseph Francis Drazkowski.... my miracle.
It was 12 years ago I had quite a few overdosings. Just several parked me into the Mayo Hospital to make sure I'd come out of it all ok. This one was following a tonic clonic seizure.... so I had extra phenobarbital to swish down. It was just more frustration in life- OD'ing was my answer.
I was searching for Jesus still at Cornerstone here in Chandler, AZ.... I just hadn't quite connected yet. It was so hard. So my filler of the void was to numb my pain with as much Phenobarbital as I had. A very strong anti-convulsant- first one truly created for anti seizures back in 1912. When I would see my neurologist I would feel so bad- he never made me feel that way- probably why I did. He had such a heart- still does. Kept pushing to fix me- knowing that I wanted to be fixed. I just was really struggling from my ex beating me 2 months after my 1st brain surgery... so he knew to figure out a plan. My July 23rd OD and hospitalization was my 2nd one with Mayo that year- I yet had one huge one to come that changed my life, and my medication.
He always has answers and plans. He and my others neurologist Dr Bert Vargas are quite the team. They have me going in, ironically the same day I went in July 12 years ago... only I am going into the hospital just for 3 hours- to infuse pain medication into my system-3 different types, in hopes that 3 hours of infusion for 3 days will rid this horrific pain I have in my head-two exact spots for 2 months that don't ever go away-and never change spots. Just horrific pain. So praying it subsides. Also having a MRA done- which is a long intense type of MRI- showing in depth pictures of the brain-to make sure I don't have aneurysms, stroke, bleeding, etc.... It is on my "good" side of my head- non surgical side. So we will see what all this does. My neuro, Drazkowski is talking about doing an EEG as well... even though I know humidity is the cause of my seizures- but we will see.
I am in a much better situation than I was 12 years ago. The best husband, daughter, family, and doctor.... all that helped me find Christ that year. Amen.....
Love to you all...
1 Corinthians 1:3 May God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ give you grace and peace.
This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go
Family Fun from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.
This was our picture about a month and a half after my 2nd brain surgery- which began today, March 28th 2005..... a decade ago!!! Time flies when we are having.... well so many brain surgeries still to come!
It was an awesome brain surgery, the 2nd. It rid my seizure issues to smell and music memories when my seizures were heightened-I'd have to turn off my favorite music. That is all gone now. We just still battled finding ability in more of a variety of anti-seizure medications, not just two killer meds in me-one that still affects my body to this date like chemo-and I am not even on it.
My precious finance` then, husband now-was so full of fear. He grew up in the band-aid family maybe once a year. We got to the Mayo Clinic Hospital nice and early in the morning-I was ready to get in there-he grabbed my arm and asked me to wait. He had a gift- and 30+ cards!!! Cause he had NO IDEA how long I would be in there for. We also decided to exchange letters on how much the other means to the other- and I could read mine then, but I said he had to keep his sealed until I was in the OR. So he prayed in the car-shaking and then off we went.... him scared to death-me excited for the new seizure free Heather/Hetty.....
My letter to my love Christian..... March 28, 2005
I am not positive where to start. You are my everything. I learned slowly, you are not my air, as for God truly is. You are the life support that has kept me here mentally by “our” choice. When I was down, you picked me up. When I was unwell, you helped me feel better. A lot of it in the beginning, you just didn’t get. You just knew there was this creature God was providing for a reason. You didn’t have strong feelings for just fun and games. You acted on them as He intended you to and I am still here. We are together. We are both focused on God. I am on my way to surgery to become better for our family. We are both growing stronger together through God and with God. This all happened for reasons. I thank God everyday for my struggles. I won’t ever step away from Him. Once the Phenobarbital Heather vanished and the new Heather came out, a new Christian Siebens did too! One full of pure love and words I never heard within my family. I thank God for my memory. I can think of every month of our relationship and remember spectacular things that touch my heart. Even if Phenobarbital was somehow intertwined, you somehow made moments spectacular. You have so much awesome kindness that words cannot express your ability to heal me mentally with kind words. Unfortunately, that isn’t the way it goes with the seizures. However, I do know if you weren’t in my life, my seizures would be on going as they were when I was with Nathan. It would be a non-stop game until my brain is worked on. You have made this simpler for the most part. I apologize for the things I could not provide, and wish that I could. But for me to be the one you want and the one I want to be for you, I need to focus on God and focus on this surgery. I am going to come out in a bit of pain, but so much less pain than last time. I now have accepted God fully in my life and He provided me with such a living treasure. You. I watch you with our daughter and I am amazed you weren’t with her from day one. The comforting bond you two have is like the comfort you have with your own father. I need you in my life to share love, to learn love. I know what the subject is and I know when I do and how much I do. I just need to learn how to show it better. I am a Jensen and we are different. I just need you to know I do love you with all my heart, mind and soul. (I do have some mind) I will again be back for you. Let’s look forward to this surgery, my recovery, our relationship, our marriage, our family and the continuance of it all! We are worth it all and more. I never had this many memories with anyone. Not the good ones to keep. You have been through a lot with me and I credit you for it. I will be there for you always. That is why God wants me better. He wants me to be that awesome wife of great support. We are doing things right in His eyes. I am doing them happy and pray you are too. When you do things to please Him and that in turn pleases you, He will reward you in one way or another. Just smile and know He is here with us both, or all three. The hard part is over. Going through things without His help. We both know we can’t. He now is in control of all of our issues and we have His love and support. Don’t ever think twice about me not pulling through all of this, He is with me. I will be with you until our earthly time ends!
I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together. I look forward to this hospital stay, healing, and the funny hairdo afterward when I am better. Just buy me some make-up so some of me looks all right!
Christian, I thank God for you. For Stauffer introducing us. For all of my issues that got us here. I love everything about you and more. Others couldn’t fathom having the life we have. Without love, we would die like the rest. Thank God for providing that!
While I am gone…read our Bible, take care of our precious one, visit me some, go to our church, update our friends there, talk with our family about it all…even if it seems the Jensen side doesn’t want to talk. You are the best father, I know it, she knows it, my parents see it, and God knows it for sure. It is your turn to recognize it. Enjoy that time, for when I return it will be crazy!
I love you my precious one!
Philippians 4: 6-7
Don't worry about anything: instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
Matthew 4: 24
News about Him spread far beyond the borders of Galilee so that the sick were soon coming to be healed from as far away as Syria. And whatever their illness and pain, or if they were possessed by demons, or were epileptics, or were paralyzed-he healed them all! NLT
Wires in, on and Brain OUT !! from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.
Who is marveled by the child they have in their life??? I sure am. I went thru so much before I got pregnant with her, then really went crazy while pregnant ....but nothing will exceed my aftermath. Other than, I oddly, no matter how tough the suffering truly was physically and mentally, it was the way God woke me up to take my daughter and find this amazing Jesus person. I was clueless. I heard very little at 19 for the 1st time and happily and harshly rejected it. But He allows trials to continue in our lives until we finally hear the "wake up" call and race for Him to accept Him. But there is also major free will He can only give us billions of signs left and right, yet many remain blind and deaf to it- Hard hearts. It is a trying situation, but when you finally give your life to Christ....you will be blessed with the Holy Spirit who will be with you constantly, guiding you, convicting you, helping you thru tough times, he is Jesus whom you will feel wrap around you, run down you spine, maybe painful good bumps, tears, because it is Christ in You thru the Holy Spirit- it is Christ thru you thru the Holy Spirit, it is Christ for others east to west thru YOU with the Holy Spirit with you! Christ is our shield....shield of love. Too much darkness happening out there, if you don't get involved with bible study in a group, fellowship, the heart will easily begin to grow cold. But when you are active in a church, bible studies, helping others- wow it is the most amazing feeling God sends me! I am so blessed by Him to have been born a giver. It is my humble Godly act. We all have purposes on this earth- I have more than that-thanking Jesus for that successful 3rd awake brain surgery has blessed me with gifts I couldn't use before due to seizures, but it also blessed me with talents of art!
God is never on vacation, He is right beside you full of love and mercy! And thru Jesus I love each and everyone of you!
In His Love,
Hetty J Siebens
We love you all so much!
Christ in US!!
by Hetty Siebens ©
Christ is IN US
Christ is THRU US
Christ is FOR US
Christ has NO SIN ON US
You my dear love are an example
of how to live more like HIM
others try to rule but should sample
how to live in His light which won’t dim.
There are days that seem so atrocious
my tiresome illnesses can fill my thoughts of endlessness
but our precious, perfect God can be ferocious
His love and grace on us HE pours to end faithlessness
Looking forward again to our future I see
The beauty of Christ in you, Tory and me!
I see days of beauty and fun, days unwell and tough
But we serve a brilliant God who can smooth out all rough!
As we keep seeking Him so much pain will evaporate
Jesus will guide us to areas out of our “comfort zone”
But reminding His plans are to prosper, not disintegrate
We’re to keep spending MORE time with HIM, even time alone
We are yet to live like Christ-which is to die for Him
Rid again of all our faults and built up sins
Pick up our Cross-keep marching even when dim
The road may be narrow but He will let us in!
Our love dear Christian never loses it’s flame
Our Love Christian never loses it’s purpose
Our Love Christian never loses it’s faith
We are just watched over by the ONE with The Name
His Name is Jesus, His name Emmanuel, His name our Cornerstone
His Name is Counselor, His Name Good Shepard, His Name is Savior, His Name The Rock
And Our Risen One
His Name The Alpha His Name The Omega, The Beginning and The End,
His Name Lord of Lords, His Name The Bread of Life, Lamb of God, His name Prince of Peace, His Name THE Messiah,
And The Holy One
You and I have magnificent descriptions of our loves beauty
ones that I could never overlook
But our God out numbers us in splendor, trust, and mighty
that is exactly why all mountains shook !
But He is still so gracious to fill our cups up with love
they runneth over so you and I as ONE could show
our love wasn’t out of no where-it truly came from Him above
As we chose to live in His light, not fight, we send His love aglow!
Let’s continue to burn His love for all this year
Share His Word, place all on display
For our love in sharing Christ is delightful, no fear
Let’s be excited, never scared of what people say!
I love you Christian, you are my earthly rock
I truly thank Christ daily for your precious love
Let’s you and me go tell the town- see them shocked
At how you and I are excited for what is ABOVE!
I love you precious one… forever and eternity!!!
MERRY CHRISTmas baby!! 2014 by Hetty J Siebens ©
I am ALIVE... to tell you how REAL Jesus is!!
Those lyrics were reality for me. My life growing up was very simple for the most part. But a couple things threw me into a spiral of mega trial for me. I didn't know Jesus... only heard about Him when I was 19, and graciously rejected all that stuff. But I look back now, and see His footprints and major clenches holding onto me thru so much. But there will never quite be an understanding of really WHY He saved me again October 19, 2003.... I always have to share this very openly every October because it is a shocking, amazing, breath taking reality. A daily reminder of how much He truly loves us thru so much of our crap we pull. He WILL be there each time that we call. Humans won't. And thank God my husband of today refused to be there that day for me. I don't think with his very little understanding of all I was going thru, went thru, what brain surgery can cause along with the addictive medication when prescribed at way too high of a dosage while pregnant. Nor would he ever really understand when I was beaten not quite two months after my 1st brain surgery -October 6th, 2002- how that was what started my whole addiction-overdosing of my anti seizure medication-Phenobarbital. He had seen me "unwell" several big times where I was knocked out for 24 hours. But had he ever been around for the amount I took October 19th 2003... seen me get my stomach pumped, need CPR, go into coma... and only reason I ever awakened ... with all doctors and nurses doubts... was my cry to Jesus to give me another chance. I had been seeking Him all year... but just wasn't at that "trust" stage yet. I still needed my major crutch... pop tons of my pills to escape... and if by any luck, for me and my precious 2 yr old daughter I really thought all would be better if I exited this world. All from the stress of an ex beating me right after my first brain surgery. I was very weak then. I never was prior. But God does allow a lot in our lives to crash, if other trials haven't woken us up to His glory yet. Just how far do we have to go to understand He has purpose for us--even with all the chaos in this world. It's a fallen world. I am not a perfect person. But I was on a very tough road back then mentally. I needed His love to soak in me to shine thru me-to get thru this thing called life.
I hadn't been taking any of my Phenobarbital for almost 3 months. I had been angry at it for all the overdoses I had gone thru, put people thru. I adored, respected my neurologist Dr. Joseph F Drazkowski so much. I didn't want to keep failing him--he had been trying so hard to fix what was broken in me, neurologically, psychologically, and within my personal life and in my heart. He did not like my ex and all he had pulled on me. He fought in every way to always keep me well and full time mom of Tory. But I got a call the day after my appointment with Drazkowski--and he could tell something wasn't right with me. I was very edgy. My Phenobarb level was very very low from not taking it-he could see it. The next day my ex called on October 18th in just a huge denial after a year and legal papers and pictures taken of his beating. That threw me into anger and depression. My subconscious already knew what it was going to do about it. The next morning started out with just a big handful of my Phenobarbital storage. I had a high feeling going. The day led to me going to the gym with a friend-then us all going to the mall for some lunch and shopping. As for I had popped all-over 9000 mg the moment we left the gym. So I barely but surely remember I couldn't keep my salad on my plate. My friend didn't know what was wrong. I wound up purchasing multiple items I had no idea after math that I ever did.
It hit me hard at the mall all of a sudden and I could feel life flashing. I usually took a lower amount where I could sleep it out. This was a scary feeling. I called my neurologist's cell phone about 6 pm-he told me to get to the ED up at Mayo ASAP....
The hard parts I have to remember is that I was always "tough" Heather. I said I could drive-would meet my friend at my apartment so he could take me from there. I flew down a 2 lane street that was a 40 mph--at 85... turned into a 35 one lane... and I just didn't wake up from that. But God covered my childs life-and we somehow made it home safe.
The rest of the way I don't remember when my friend was driving me to Mayo. I was out. I only woke up to the stomach pumping--which the stress on very low blood pressure probably was what put me into cardiac.... then coma. When I felt that tube going down I cried out to Jesus. He heard me, yes. He cared... He will stand around--always--but wouldn't watch me die yet. Not on His time. He was yet to mold my heart... my life... my child... my husband to be into this precious little family today-that look back at this today, yes I have some heart ache--but I see the obviously intervention of Christ and His love. His plans marvel me.
When I woke up--life was so different. I was calm. I felt life was ok, I was taken care of. The Holy Spirit was beginning it's work. His love -Jesus-was already Alive in Me.... I was just getting prepped to get well-go home and jump into my Bible to understand WHY He would give me multiple tries-chances.
That song by Nickelback feels like that night-and the time afterward I was in the hospital to get well and switch off that Phenobarbital and onto something else for my seizures. It is a song that just literally is reality- my life- God, Christian (my hubby) and me. I listen to it with a feeling of amazement. I was carried thru it. But that also, other people go thru it. And that is my point. We all have something-many have gone thru addiction, brain surgeries, domestic-violence, severe body pain (from my 3rd awake brain surgery) kidney issues, so on and on..... And I have always felt God woke me up big time thru all that- so I could share His Truth, raise my kiddo right, give love to others first, help any with issues- I can say I've been there-and thru many others. But this October issue was an amazing fall. A fall from leaning on myself and pills-and amazing to learn to lean on Christ. Life changes completely. Your outlook. The trials still arise- the perspective is just different... but correct. Satan still has ability to try to keep us all on his side-hell. He makes life absolute hell. But tempts us like it is gold. The closer you are to Christ, the more tough it is for Satan to get thru with his attacks. God has His arms around us thru all journeys- as long as we allow Him to--or don't turn away from Him in tough times.
I've heard many stories of people finding Jesus just by being told about Him. I was not one of those easy soles. I needed tragedy to wake up. I am just so gracious He heals, He accepts and loves us thru all we do. Cause if I looked at all of this and had to make a decision -do I save?? I would have opted out of saving me... But He isn't weak... He is real.
Drugs or Jesus Tim McGraw sang... that was what my year of 2003 was. A fight between trusting drugs to get me thru everything--or this Jesus guy... Jesus is love ... the pills are poison. Pills mask-Jesus heals... I am gracious.
I am very gracious to have each of you as friends and family.... I still breathe due to the love of our Lord... and many prayers thru trials after I accepted Christ. His Love Never Ends.... my goal is for mine to never end for Him...and all of you....
Jesus with my Baby and Me from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.
"This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
Psalm 65:3 Though we are overwhelmed by our sins, you forgive them all.
Psalm 86:11 Teach me your ways, O Lord, that I may live according to your truth! Grant me purity of heart, so that I may honor you.
Psalm 86:5 O Lord, you are so good, so ready to forgive, so full of unfailing love for all who ask for your help.
John 10:7 so he explained it to them: “I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep."
Acts 20:30 Even some men from your own group will rise up and distort the truth in order to draw a following.
Romans 8:26-28 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us in groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.
1 Corinthians 1:3 May God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ give you grace and peace.
1 Corinthians 13: 1-3
If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
John 1: 1-5
In the beginning the Word already existed.
The Word was with God,
and the Word was God.
He existed in the beginning with God.
God created everything through him,
and nothing was created except through him.
The Word gave life to everything that was created,
and his life brought light to everyone.
The light shines in the darkness,
and the darkness can never extinguish it
My God Given Princess
What are our plans in life? How many major plans were true "plans" and not "a God blessed surprise?" The beautiful one year old above, is my baby Tory-now 13!! She was a "surprising gift!" Was not a plan when found out. My ex and I were already planning divorce. I looked at it all as a reason of good behind it all. My ex wanted abortion, as for he had been cheating again-if I kept her it would interrupt. I told him just to flee-I sign him out but I was having the baby. He decided to try it. That sure didn't go for long-all for my little one's benefit. She has a heart like and for God. He did not. The bit she ever saw him, not even knowing he had beaten me, she feared him. That is what started chaos with her health-while mine was being tackled still. She got hit with seizures as well from the stress of my ex-her biological deciding after almost 5 years since she was 1, to try to see if he could be dad a weekend out of every month he'd fly in town. My poor baby. I never wanted her to be hit with what I have suffered from my whole life. Yet - thrillingly went thru it way worse since I got pregnant with this princess. Worth every seizure on my behalf. And every brain surgery-all 3 brain resections-head open and closed 7 times. When her stress of my ex, exiting our lives-her seizures dissipated and does not take any medication any more-and hasn't in a couple years now. Praise our Lord! Her anxiety she had-disappeared as well. Amazing what was tough, but God took it by His hands and turned it all for His Glory.
It wasn't like it wasn't tough for me-I wanted to take those seizures from her. But I knew God had a reason. And we WOULD get thru it. And watch it strengthen her. One Amazing God. But it is very very tough when it is someone else's child. Maybe cause I feel I have less ability to help. But what tears me apart is when these young ones have something I finally conquered thru faith and 3 brain surgeries and many medications. Yet I wish I could take it on for them. Precious Kate McRae got hit with seizures-tore my heart because when she had to have her first brain surgery in 2009- I bawled wishing I could take that on. I was having my 3rd awake brain surgery just a few months away-God give it to me, not this baby. But I watched them conquer it. Then relapse- and conquered. This angel keeps conquering all. She is now having the seizures most likely from tumor that has grown back-cancer, again. And again- my heart just wants to take it on. But our Lord works thru this family. This girl's faith- Kate is also indestructible. The reason God wants us child-like. Their trust handles it all so much better than our "control" desires. When we have to trust, give it to Him, not control. We can't. I pray so deeply for Kate and the family.
When people plan certain salaries and that doesn't occur, doesn't that stress many out? Many feel it is the end of the world, unfixable, and some just end life even over it from severe depression. Our Lord just has His own time, and a totally beautiful plan for all, but wants our trust, love, faith, and close walk with Him knowing He WILL CHANGE YOU, mold you- with your faith shining for His Glory!! His reasonings, His plans outweigh our thoughts and choices by so much!!!
Many feel they can't make it thru divorce ever- God heals hearts left and right as you give your whole life to Him. No matter the addiction, despair, illness- He cares so much and has beauty planned for His Glory, Honor, Praise....trusting it---- when we must walk with FAITH not by sight of this Amazing God who created us and loves us, and has beauty plans thru all tragedies..... gotta give it all to Him. Love and Trust Him.....
Doesn't mean your heart can't hurt- be He will heal that too!
Bless you all....
In His Love,
Jeremiah 33: 2-3 “Thus says the Lord who made the earth, the Lord who formed it to establish it—the Lord is his name: Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.
Numbers 12:13 And Moses cried to the Lord, “O God, please heal her—please.”
Psalm 41:3 The Lord sustains him on his sickbed; in his illness you restore him to full health.
Hosea 6:1 [ A Call to Repentance ] “Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces; now he will heal us. He has injured us; now he will bandage our wounds.
Matthew 4:24 News about him spread as far as Syria, and people soon began bringing to him all who were sick. And whatever their sickness or disease, or if they were demon possessed or epileptic or paralyzed—he healed them all.
Luke 10:9 Heal the sick, and tell them, ‘The Kingdom of God is near you now.’
1 Corinthians 12:9 The same Spirit gives great faith to another, and to someone else the one Spirit gives the gift of healing.
1 Corinthians 13:7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
1 Corinthians 16:13 Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong.
Philippians 1:25 Knowing this, I am convinced that I will remain alive so I can continue to help all of you grow and experience the joy of your faith.
Joshua 1:9 This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
My intro to a very dear friend, humble soul, follower of Christ-who trusts Him with all his heart, soul, mind, spirit-FAITH!
Cody and I never met, but we actually went to the same church-where we found Jesus at different times. He was mentally a tough cookie to change his negative "atheist" outlook for quite some time- but I give him no shame or blame. He was truly suffering in life already-but the beauty of it is God's love for us thru it all still. He was at Cody's side no matter how turned away he was. God knew how much he was going to need Him-search for Him, call out for Him, and soon turn to Him with some major trials and tough personal thoughts he had of himself. The way Satan works-all that negativity. But Cody was called to reach for Christ-and survive a tragic illness and so much more.... catch his story below.... Cody Ayars-such a blessing to many- a man of God- lives by the armor of love thru Christ! For Christ....
by Cody Ayars
1 Peter 4:10
God has given each of you a gift from His great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another.
I have told you all this so that you may have peace in Me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."
"You're the Giver of Life," Dear Jesus!!!
No matter how lost, how unwell, how busy, how full of hatred, how confused-- "we" can't truly fix these issues... what WE can do is bring our hearts to Him from so far away!!! And it is Jesus that can lift us, comfort us, heal us, change us-our focus. Have us see or re-see or open our hard hearts to His amazing unconditional love. Open our understanding, truly all He does for us. Starting with creation.
But many of us never learn about Him growing up. Parents of this generation think it is the "right" thing not to press anything on their children-let them "figure" it all out when they get older-what is "their" right faith. I lived thru that. As many know, I had to find Him the near death way.
But as we live our faith, no matter what is going on-you can feel the comfort and see plans from our Lord being made for us. But when the tough time feels like it isn't going to end, we begin to doubt, pull away. During my illness when there were no answers for such debilitating pain after my 3rd brain surgery-I figured God clocked out on me. So I figured I would handle it myself then.
Never once did He leave me. But my comfort was not there. When we harden our hearts-we easily doubt, get angry, feel jaded.
But turning back to Christ may not have given me a direct answer on how to cure my body pain. But my comfort and trust and hope was back. That is fine with me. Whatever pain I endure, I need Christ more, so perhaps that is His way of keeping me close-the thorn in my side. I just have seen and been thru amazing healing-am finally seizure free following that 3rd brain surgery. We have to see the blessings and live them out. When we don't-there is a little pause on our plans until we see as close thru His eyes as possible.
Thru this pain, the most days I could-minus some selfish ones, I reached out to friends to enjoy time with me. Share life struggles. Be their for them in any way possible. And when my body could-take them to my art room and PAINT!!!!! :) I love to comfort others and thru all I've endured in life-thru the grace of God, be able to share stories and guide souls on right and wrong actions in His eyes. Yet let them know-He loves them no matter what choice. Just might have some learning time when we do something we know biblically better.
I have been very blessed being in two states I have lived many years in both. Both states are much kinder to my body pain than MN. And MN is beautiful. It just attacks my body in excruciating pain. Arizona hurts my body for a few months when the monsoon comes in. And So Orange County made my body feel new again. Both places I met up with friends I haven't seem in over a decade! God is so good! Plus, my husband and I had such a marvelous time. That is all glory to God! We are very gracious for guiding us together and pouring so much love on us, even when we don't deserve it. To YOU GOD--all the Glory, Honor, Praise!
Thru anything, no everything you go thru- don't doubt Jesus. Lift up your eyes to our giver of life! To Him nothing is impossible-this I know very well! Have Him show you the love HE has for you-and so many others. Give your stress and worries to Him. Spend time with Him, the family and friends He blessed you with. Sharing His Truth and Love. Trust in His love always-He will never fail you!
Much love to you all from me....
In His Love,
Ephesians 2: 8-10
God saved you by His special favor when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done. so none of us can boast about it. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.
Me and Amanda
"The Least You Can Do"
altered one word... to friend....
I was lying awake last night, waiting for your call
But if the rumours are true, that won't bother you at all
I'm trying hard to understand
What it takes to be your friend
Now I don't have to wonder anymore
Least you can do is say you're sorry
Least you can do is give me back my heart
Just give me back my heart
Seems living in hope was wrong those years I was away
Thinking your letters, I never received, had gone astray
You said you'd always be there for me
Like a fool I thought you'd be
Now I don't know what I was thinking at all
But the least you can do is say you're sorry girl
Least you can do is give me back my heart
I won't come around no more
You won't find me standing outside your door
Least you can do is tell me why, tell me why
The least you can do is say you're sorry girl
Least you can do is give me back my heart
I won't come around no more
You won't find me standing outside your door
But the least you can do is tell me why
I won't be your fool anymore
There's no need to be cruel anymore …no, no
Least you can do is say you're sorry girl
The least you can do is give me back my heart ….just give me back my heart
Love: I Will Not Backdown!
I can't let you slip right through my hands
No, my love, don't try and run
See in my eyes, you and I are one
Every step you take, I'll be a second behind
Every move you make, I'll be the thorn in your side
And know you can't fight this now
I will not back down
I'm the sky, the stars, the moon, the setting sun
I'm the feeling inside you when you're coming undone
You know you can't fight this now
I will not back down, oh, will not back down
By Alex Band
Beautiful lyrics, as Alex Band always has whether solo or in a band. His voice in a band will take a huge percentage of all attention. It is a very one in a million amazing voice!
The love my husband gives me is something amazing that takes my full attention. Is always on my mind. Is one soul, in every way, he shows me his affection and love. His care, especially with all the medical stuff I go thru which in turn puts my family thru. He tries to make everything as easy as possible for me to get thru it all-as we keep seeking to find answers and cures. Christian keeps our family aligned and alive, and to him I am ever so grateful!
My daughter- a very special gift from God. One that was going to learn quickly and deeply about Jesus as I started to go to church when she was two. She soaked that up and shared all she knew with everyone she'd be with. "Did you know that Jesus died on the Cross for you?" It was beautiful... yet I hadn't accepted Him yet, so I was a bit mortified!! She has breezed thru all my illnesses and medical complications knowing God has a major purpose for me-one big one is being her mommy! And I am so grateful she views that. And is thrilled to tell kids what my brain has gone thru! My amazing girl just keeps growing-now has her own horses. Responsibility. Awesome child of God. Blessed Christian and I forever.
Then showing up here in Phoenix for some intense doctor appointments. I never knew I'd be staying with my parents THIS long. This stay has been so relaxing, filled with joy and love and memories. My mom always has hugs... it almost feels like going back to being a child. It has been an amazing time-going to get lunch together, update lives. I am ever so grateful for my mom and dad... and the love they show and share. I am more than blessed- I am wealthy with their love! That is how it feels! Like if you have a million dollars... same thing here but with their love. I'd take this over the money any day. One day one of us won't be here-and that money won't come with us to Heaven, nor will anything we purchased with it- but in time, our loved ones will who know our dear Lord and Savior- our Creator and Messiah... Jesus Christ.
He has very much blessed me with this trip. Not just being in a lot less pain. But overflowing with love. Love of family. Not objects. Love is so the most important gift-it will go to Heaven with you. Has been the best stay down here in Phoenix in so long. And I credit the fact that I am with my parents. Mom's and Dad's fill little spots in the heart that become thirsty over time...time of not seeing them or communicating. When it is like before...it feels like the heart grows 3 times bigger!!!
So dealing with all the pain I had to deal with up north- I am grateful to God- as for it gave me the reason to visit and stay with my mom and dad. Otherwise things would have just stayed more distant again. And that is so hard. The pain has calmed except for my bad rotator cuff I've had since 2006. I need to have that looked at. So, we will see what future holds!
So much love to all of you! Blessed I am to have you in my life!
In His Love,
Deuteronomy 6:5 And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.
1 Kings 10:9 Praise the Lord your God, who delights in you and has placed you on the throne of Israel. Because of the Lord’s eternal love for Israel, he has made you king so you can rule with justice and righteousness.”
1 Chronicles 16:34 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.
Job 10:12 You gave me life and showed me your unfailing love. My life was preserved by your care.
Psalm 25:7 Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth. Remember me in the light of your unfailing love, for you are merciful, O Lord.
Psalm 33:22 Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone.
For the life of me
I can not remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I can not believe we'd ever die
For these sins
We were merely freshmen
My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
His girl took a week's worth of valium and slept
And now he's guilt-stricken, sobbin'
With his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept he said
Can't be held responsible
She was touchin' her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place
This song used to be just so "cool" to me back in 1997- in Orange County, CA. I was so young-19. Naive. Yet the song stuck with me for years. I loved it for it's beat and coolness back then, but when things got tough and seizures worsened...when the seizures worsened, changed, and after 1st brain surgery even more so-I was addicted to music. In a way I could read in my life what they were saying. May have even been kicked more in action to read, understand lyrics after my ex husband beat me. Made it an amazing gift thru all the tough stuff.
I later went thru having listened and read music so much come before my 2nd brain surgery that if I had auras they were huge-and usually seizures. Usually had to turn off the music I loved. Gratefully following my 2nd brain surgery, that went away- and even my 3rd-it is such a very very rarity. Blessed I am there. I can look back at this song and see it had part of my future in it. Perhaps that is why I was led to it and loved it. Same as a couple addictive movies "When a Man Loves a Woman", "28 Days", "Girl, interrupted" .... But after I went thru my huge addiction in 2003, I questioned why ever did I turn to this song, these movies-and many more of them.....? All I know is God always has plans for us- even if He knows He has to go around barrels, He will to get us to where He is desiring us to be.
So was this past weekend His goal for me? No. Does He allow temptation -? Yes.... He knows His power-your heart, and how the two can come back to trust all over again and extreme love placing you on the path HE WANTS-HAS PLANNED and DESIRED... and in comparison, I bet you are-or if you compare my life styles, I bet you are happy I chose again His path, His Way. Letting go of the extra Primidone so I don't get extreme depression and the Phenobarbital doesn't fly up where higher than a kite. If I am on the 2/ 250mg's I am ok-those for seizures. We upped it March by additional 250 to rid of my tremors. I would rather shake than risk my life. Life is too good. Too short.
It was an amazing stay at the Mayo Psychiatric Hospital. Doctor was very confused why I was there, guessing because I don't take psych meds. But this place is unlike all other psych hospitals out there. They care. They work for your life. They lift. They treat everyone like a "normal" soul who just went thru a lot and teach in an uplifting way how to cope. So, if you ever need it, that is where to go. Amazing souls there.
Amazing when that medication begins to come out of me, I am back happy me. And I am very blessed to have such blessed friends- Scotty, Amanda, Libby, and Joseph. God's gift's to me. And my family is a gift I can never explain nor give an amount for-worth too much in my life to lose.
So oddly, off the high dose I can giggle at my history of the part of the song I placed above by The Verve Pipe. I honestly could post hundreds of songs that mean so much to me in tough times and amazing times. So to God I am very grateful I no longer get seizures with music. If you do, look into medication, then if not, brain surgery.
The only tough part of all of this was how it would make me hit the floor -that was when I called Libby cause my poor hubby sleeps so deep he had no idea. She put him in action.. and I am still here to tell.
See my neurologist in 20 days-we'll see what come of my medication. I'd like all the primidone gone. But even after 3 brain surgeries my seizures are complicated- we'll see, I pray.
Remember WE ALL GO THRU SO MUCH, SOMETHING BIG-and we need Jesus for it. Both nothing is worse than another one's issues, just God knows our push points-and that is ok, and amazing! Most of the time we can't trade issues with others-He knows what ones to allow in our life to help strengthen our faith. And He doesn't make mistakes!
Bless you all!!!!
Humble yourselves before God. Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you. Draw close to God and God will draw close to you.
Precious Gift From God-Tory
Life can sure make shifts, as we continue to live it. It is scary when there are days you don't want to live them out anymore, worse, when others have cut their lives short. I've been there. I've been the "suicidal" patient. Yet saved perhaps too many times. But He always has reason. He always works off the bad stuff, to bring us good-sooner or later. Just sometimes that later part can be aching when in distress.
My brain surgeries, over-all just seemed so simple. It is just the aftermath that is the price paid for life. And the lack of knowledge of what per se one brain surgery can do, symptom wise. But two or three-with the 3rd done awake are far fetched to ever have any statistics on outcome, or years to come after. I have been living a battle really since the first one. Now mine-God brought so much wonder and beauty and truth in between it all. So it is almost impossible to regret any of it. There are times I do wonder had I just gotten help and stayed on Phenobarb and one surgery-how crazily different life could be right now. But I was so angry at being addicted to overdosing on Phenobarb on any given bad day of the slightest to the worst-I needed that stuff out of me, which meant more surgery. Through both surgeries I had to go thru to allow me to have more choice of meds-or even medication-less perhaps one day far future-I was never bitter during it all. It took the anguish of the pain of my 3rd one to begin bitterness finally. Ever since that surgery it has been excruciating body pain, leading to memory loss (short term), eye vision complications, disassociation, vertigo, severe depression, forgetting decisions made 30 minutes ago, abnormal seizures, crazy head jolt pains,...
The list just continues and worsens in some areas. And it is like life is out of control-granted it was never in control before. That means on one of these surgeries something truly snapped that made everything in life so much more tough than it was when I was seizing non stop. I was always a go for it girl. Gutsy, fearless. But maybe that was part of my brain's downfall, and took me down with it. So many looked up to me. That I can easily walk in for a half month hospital stay with a grid deep in my brain showing them active areas, and going thru the surgery awake was like me going to a toy store as a child. Picking out what I wanted that would be good for me. Perhaps all this was just side effects of epilepsy and I was paying a price I did not know I owed. And now, as a permanent patient at Mayo with many health issues I never used to have... I am finding out I must have made a wrong choice somewhere. I just never thought I did. Mine were always right. God gave me signs of open doors. Perhaps that is all I wanted to see was the positive signs and maybe there were way more negative ones saying Heather, stick at the 2nd brain surgery-in time you will heal. I just kept pushing for it to flee as quick as possible, to have as much sparing time as a mom possible with the most special, Godly, warm-hearted soul of a gift from God to me--> my daughter Tory. I always wanted to be able to have that healthy mother daughter time with her. And as I sit here, with tears dropping-and look over at her peacefully sleeping in our hotel suite...I feel I have cheated her out of so much. Time with her mom. Time learning mom and daughter stuff. Doing more "together" stuff cause mom is almost always under the weather with one, two, three or more health issues-all triggered by my choice. My decision of every brain surgery. She, through each of them was an angel. Like God spoke directly to her - how to handle mommy and her wrapped painful head. She is one graceful child of God's. She did not get this from me. She has always been such an amazingly, GOOD child since born-angelic like. No rages. Few tears. More comfort to me. God DID hand form her. And especially for all of this. She is full of grace and love. And I look at that asking Him how?? I just wasn't a good teacher. I have barely been around. But this girl still floats thru all my tragedies like an angel. I am gracious to God for her. I don't know what all the stress I am and cause on that precious child-how it will affect her in her latter years. But I do know even I as her mom can look back and learn from her grace at all I still face-and be so grateful to God He chose me for her. And that He chose Christian to be her dad-cause they are just an amazing team. When I am upstairs a lot, when unwell, in bed-I get to hear them working together on the barn for the new horses she is getting. He is a proud dad of all she does do so gracefully-and how much she has to handle without him when I am unwell. Yet he is still a dad that teaches her tactics of how to achieve dreams. And when you do you prepare for the dream in a rational way. He does not spoil without learning involved. Makes dream achievement so much more amazing when searched out, and prepared for by hands-not paying someone to do it all for her. This girl very much deserves her dream-a way to gain peace...living and riding her dream. What a team they are! Blessings to me!
I may sit on the outside of all of this-but I see the beauty from my view-the most important view-the creators view. The one that carried her for 9 months with seizures of mine worsening every couple weeks thru it all. She was worth it all. She helped us get where we are today as a family. Many stories to share as she gets older, till then, I just love watching her grow and be who she is. I try to stay out of everyone's way with all health issues that keep hitting me more every year...but there comes a place and time where all have to be involved whether I like it or not. My families hearts always want to be there- I just want them all to have space as they live their dreams. They are my dream-as they are today, I feel my dream is far accomplished. No one could give me more than I already have.
As for my art-I enjoy it. It continues. It will never match up to the dream of the husband, father of my daughter-my precious kiddo Tory. Christian and Tory are my life "completers. " They complete me. Thru all my battles-having them near makes the battle feel small. When both are away and I am facing some health issue- it is like my oxygen has been stolen. Without them life is not well, life is not complete. They are what truly matter to keep me going-leaping over every health issue is an ability thru the love God formed in our family. I am forever gracious.
I love you Tory Moriah. Forever.
I love you Christian Charles- and always....
My Man, My Love
Your loving, unwell mom and wife,
Hetty / Mommy
Picture of my husband and I attempting to see what was or biologically is, still my brother....
(Husband) Christian C Siebens and Me, Heather (Hetty) J Siebens (wife)
You're My Loss in NY Troy
Why do you chose these paths of life?
Living your life full of lies causing strife…
How do you cause such pain so heartless, no care
Are you aware of your actions and think God is not there?
Why do you have new stories every month thru the year?
How do you truly tell them like truth with no care and no fear?
I sure hope you do know every time I have reached out to you
I do it for the brother I knew, not for the one that lies as you do
I have danced for you bro, fed and kept you sanely alive for years but you ran
You pulled away once again messages start about you going to be THE BIG MAN
All the times you say how much you love me most or others love you more
I have to realize a huge percentage of that is not here in this world behind any door
I have endured three brain surgeries, divorce from a wife beating abuse
Raising my own child while finding God where He blessed me with Truth
I have the calmest and kindest most sweet man anyone could find
One that you had a bit of him before, once were kinda one of his kind
But you let the stress and drugs tear you apart, allowing a silent illness for you to prevail
None of this should have happened… not one thing you did or you would still be in jail
You pulled so much bad where you did learn some good with us but now its just turning
Your actions don’t make sense and your stories blow up with no truth or reality burning
You really don’t need me you need someone who follows the stories you make and believe
That isn’t for me nor my family at all- we’ve been hurt so much trying to help-help you receive
Receive true love and true jobs, true family; yet rejected we are-we ask you to truly Receive
Look to the sky close your eyes,give God all your issues; He’s the ONLY ONE that won’t deceive
And now, thru all your years of psychiatric lies, you believe them all and become nothing
As your little sister that hurts, but what you do to me hurts more…I want to remain something
Heather J Siebens
Your Years Nicky
by Hetty Jensen-Siebens 2014 ©
While you were growing
Nicky, everything looked so right
Everyone was sharing
Amazing plans for you each night
You came out as all expected
A gift from God, so perfect, so right
Mommy & Daddy you never rejected
You were full of Jesus' Way, Truth, Light!
But not long into this amazing little life
Came an illness that all thought would clear
No one was ready for traumatic strife
Your precious Mommy steadfast in brain tumor fear
NickyBear so young, not even a year old
In PICU following removal of that tumor
Mom and Dad stayed strong, and did not fold
All of this was truly real, not any form of humor
Nicky you faced so much I cannot compare
And I prayed to take it away
But Jesus is always loving, kind and fair
That is something we hang onto today
Your big brother was your earthly rock
Helped and watched you grow
Loved playing with you up & down your block
Misses you so much, was so hard to let you go
But your families faith is so real and secure
Which is why you dance in Heaven
Placed there to welcome others, you are so dear
Your precious body was 4 1/2, didn't even make it to 7
But in reality your faith was so strong
Your love overflowed and fear did not show
You my friend didn't have to live very long
In order for your faith and love to grow
Nicky you are loved today
You are loved tomorrow
You are loved every day on earth
Until you send us a sign that this earth is going to end
At that moment is some sadness but much more gladness
Knowing we all can be near you, meet you, be a best friend
And no longer be a part of any sickening madness
We love you always thru this....and your amazing family that has touched my life....keep your eyes on them....
Much love from the Siebens!
In His Grip,