Amen Journey

These lines are so beautiful, yet so real, so tough. But yet I know in the tiniest, minuscule way, what it is like to be beaten. And it was twice as hard for me then, as for I didn't know Jesus yet. Heard a little about Him, but from the crazy soul that also took his hands to me. So who do I trust? Who do I look to and believe in. Well, sadly, the whole situation didn't have me running to find Jesus then, it took a year of countless, and unliveable overdoses to get me to call to Him. 

My ex and I had no commons. No love. No connection. Sadly, we just had decline from the moment we eloped. All negativity from what was the first song we listened to together after we said I do with strangers, to the night he beat me. First night in our new apartment since my move to Killeen, TX, where he was stationed. My fourth day in TX. He had a lot of built up anger, guilt and stress. Anger I had him in such a predicament in life from where my epilepsy took me when we got pregnant. Anger he had to stay with me due to being pregnant ...even though I told him otherwise. Guilt for continuing to cheat on me while I was in Phoenix, first awaiting for my 1st brain surgery, and just after it. His stress I'll credit him for being listed and unable to talk to me about going to Iraq in the beginning of 2003. But this is life. We both had a deck of troubled cards, but to place lives of loved ones on the line for ones own happiness?? What world did he come from??? We HAD a one year old together, I am just not sure how one could let their anger bust like that. But, I do know for a fact, it runs in his genes... His dad was one anger induced soul. I am sadly, very happy he is no longer a part of my child's life. Signed her over completely to me in 2009. Sad to show who was wrong. Who felt guilt. Who couldn't put up a fight for rights, when one didn't have them, and really didn't want them from the heart. Only greed and anger.

He took his fist to me night of October 6, 2002. And I didn't know what to do. We were phone- less. I knew no one. The neighbor believed in backing up soldier to soldier. I didn't sleep a wink. But thankful my daughter didn't hear one peep of all that ruckus ... And somehow slept so soundly thru it all, like Jesus was cradling her in His arms- guiding her to walk on water thru the storm. She arose, as happily as usual. And her mama did her best to not show any fear. But Lord did I ever brake.

I had to take him to the base that morning, as for it was my car we had- and he wasn't going to be using it. And he also wasn't going to be coming back that evening. I had no idea what to do, who to talk to, as for I didn't know a soul. First person I called was my neurologist. I had to make sure he'd get me clearance papers noting that even though I had just gone thru my 1st brain surgery, I was still a perfect case to handle being a mom. He has always been one amazing Doctor, who saw that thru, made sure I was ok- and saw me thru the disastrous year to come from it. He supported me like I was his one daughter. He saw my struggle with my one daughter and couldn't have imagined that. He despised my ex. My other phone calls were to a friend I was connected to thru my work from the Marriott for years, he was like my uncle. He listened to all my marital issues, and helped me see clear thru it all. He had this "perfect" life, knew this Jesus guy, and was happy. He was also the one that connected me with my husband of today. How rare is this? So I briefly spoke with who was my friend then, but my husband today, told him what disaster I came upon. Last one I spoke to, my mother. As for she doesn't deal with reality well. She wouldn't listen to my truth, and was in denial anything really happened. That is sadly my family. Tory is the one at that point who kept me as sound-minded as I would possibly come. As for I was on a sick cycle carousel ride, and it seemed I just couldn't get off. Not even for the life of me.

So after the filing of all that occurred, the pictures being taken both on base and at the police department.... They took his keys away, and he was no longer aloud in or on our apartment grounds unless appointment made and with an officer of higher ranking. He only did that once, and not to see my daughter. But to beg and plea I don't charge him with anything. So my mind was running fast pace, I was so confused, hurt, in anguish. My first answer that came to mind- phenobarbital overdosing. 

I was placed on so much of it when pregnant with Tory, it was the first thing that snapped into mind when I felt I was losing my mind from it all. I needed to numb my pain. Shut off lights per se. And whatever the consequences, so be it. I had no faith then, no Heaven nor hell knowledge. Just thought there was an exit door. And a lot of phenobarbital would get me there.

Well, normally at my dose intake, it would take lives. But I guess He did, and does have more plans for me, as for I am still here, breathing, heartbeat, and three brain surgeries and so much else later, able to retell my story. As the parent of Tory, able to tell you how God worked so many wonders for her and thru her, I have no room to begin to tell you. She is like an angel, living here on earth. Placed in my life to keep little me safe, well, and searching until I find my Lord. And did she ever get me there.

We went thru so much together, she really has no idea at this point in her life. Just a little I've told her here and there. But I became her sole parent, which felt like a direct gift from God. It wasn't something I was fighting for. It was something He just gave me overnight. Thru all my struggles I had really no clue until then how close Jesus and I really were and are. 

Fast forward, my overdosing began in October of 2002, and didn't end until October of 2003. That year was rough. I was raising my daughter completely on my own, not partially. I was living day to day half awake, or completely blasted from overdosing Phenobarbital. I was dating my husband of today, which was a lot more than I ever thought looking back, that I could handle going thru, putting myself thru everything I did. But I am so gracious to God I did. He is my everything. My air, my rest, my life. Without him, I probably would not be typing right now. As he snores, with his hand on my typing arm. �� God gave me all these precious jewels, even before I knew Him, as for He knew what was lying ahead- and knew my family couldn't handle it, wouldn't be there. He gave me these tough Angels that could deal with rough souls like me. How one can look back in life at the lowest part of their life, toughest, yet have such amazing vivid memories their cherish? Not usual you hear of someone saying their overdosing year was full of amazing memories..... Sounds nuts, but is so true.

I knew come 3rd hospitalization, really, since the 1st, I would never see my ex again except at court hearings. But it was that October that rolled around and I snapped. He had called me from Iraq, which led to an argument as to why did he ever do what he did? Beat me a year prior that had me in such a predicament in life. Well, out of no where he was in denial now. He was denying he had done that after e-mails and phone calls of sorry's. Well, that call on October 18th , 2003... Hit me hard. Like a stone at a glass house- I shattered. And my answer, was the months worth of Phenobarbital I had not been taking, as for I hated it. But I also didn't rid of it, I psychologically stored it up for a big thundercloud day. And he was my thundercloud. 

The brisk morning of October 19... I popped half my bottle, which was around 4500 Meg's of death calling me. I called a friend, we went to the gym together and then took our kids to the mall. Had I not taken a friend with me, I wouldn't be here still. After we worked out, ending roughly around 11 am, I began to feel the fall of my pills, and I just wanted more. More cloudiness. More thought my mind might completely exit even. I never once put my child's life into range of thought. I just really figured all would be okay, really the same without me. That is what being beaten does to you, brain surgery, phenobarbital. Just up the dose almost 10 x's. 

We were at the mall after I sucked down the other 4500 mg's of Phenobarbital. My mind was blown. I was not on earth anymore. I bought items for Tory, twice. No idea. My friend knew I was "out to lunch" and didn't know what to do. So out of no where, except the grace of Jesus- I picked up my cell phone and called the number to my neurologist that he called searching for me on one night in July, gravely concerned of my well being. I called that number, his wife answered. I felt so bad. I didn't even know the definition of full sentence. She quickly gave the phone to her husband, my doctor. And he advised me to quickly get up,to their Emergency Room.

I told my friend. But told him I had to go home and get ready first. I really had no idea if I even strapped my baby girl into my car or not- but sped out and swerved going 80 in a 40 street. Almost running a red. It was like life flashing before my eyes. Little do I remember from when I got to my apartment to when I found myself on a gurney at my Mayo Hospital. What I do remember is seeing HIM, hearing HIM, and calling out to HIM right before they went to pump my stomach- life got so dark.... Then a light glowed. It was like Him saying, " this is your second chance" when in reality it was my billionth chance. I had been seeking Him at this amazing church in Chandler, AZ.... went there because the sign had a purple tone to it. But it wasn't the color talking to me, it was Jesus. And His plans were so Devine , so beautiful...plans to prosper- for good and hope. Not disaster. Jeremiah 29:11  The 29th is the date I got out. 

I went thru every step of destruction. Code blue, heart stopping, stomach pumping, CPR. Coma. But it was like Jesus was truly physically with me, but no one could see Him but me. He was my life support. And when I arose, it was like there was not a huge overdosage of Phenobarbital running thru my blood, but His love, His blood, His truth running thru them instead. My head was instantly so clear. It was like I was a totally different soul. When in reality, I was. As for just before my heart stopping is when I called out to Christ.... I asked for a billionth chance to do it all again, except WITH HIM this time. And I'll figure it all out thru Him, with Him, for Him. He hears these cries. Some more obvious than others. But baby Christians are coddled for sure. But if He hadn't, I wouldn't be here. He if filled with so much love and grace for me to screw up in every way possible ... But to fight for me? Why? He loves me ... You, us... Unconditionally...and that is a fact I have lived thru a million times.
He gave me a heart. I thank Him for that. I love people. I hate struggles. I reach to help. You aren't alone. If I wasn't, you aren't. His plans are beautiful. He gave me the glory and honor of marrying this amazing person he set in my life in such an interesting fashion- the date my ex beat me, five years prior. We we'd on October 6, 2007. Took that day and showed how are Lord beautified it. We conquered Satans actions by having the most amazing marriage after complete destruction....and a child of our own, she has always seen as Daddy since she was barely 2. She sees no differently. He orchestrated it beautifully. How really could I ask for more? You'll see me complain about my health. But I try to see these days, this particular month more often. That way I know when to shut up, and just glorify Him. His peace has been done, and I am ok with all brain and pain issues. He gave me this family. I am so gracious. Cause I am one who didn't deserve it. 

So much I can't explain in a blog, so much I wish I could share. But that is as compact as I can get it. I am gracious He gave me all of you. 

To God be the Glory, Honor, and Praise to our Lord!!

In His Grip,

Heather/ Hetty Siebens

Grateful To God For You from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to,give you future and a hope.

Psalm 91: 14-16. The LORD says p, "I will rescue those who love Me. I will protect those who trust in My name. When they call on me, I will answer. I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue them and honor them. I will satisfy them with a long life and give them My salvation." 

Psalm 106: 1-3. Give thanks to the LORD for He is good! His faithful love endures forever. Who can list the glorious miracles of the LORD? Who can ever praise Him HALF enough?
Happy are those who deal justly with others and always do what is right.

Romans 15: 13. So I pray that God, who gives you hope, will keep up you happy and full of peace as you believe in Him. May you overflow with hope thru the power of the Holy Spirit.

Philippians 1:29  for you have been given not only the privilege of trusting in Christ but also the privilege of suffering for Him.



This is my big brother Troy I love so much......

We are a case. A case of parents that give up, screw up, and live full of doubt instead of faith and hope.

We both grew up too fast. I had to mature, well as for I was my mother's "counselor." She'd fill me in on all the gory details of what MY dad did to her. Against her. Adultery on the same work field, same resort. We lived in a small, yet very gossipy town. It didn't take long for what my father did to get around. As for he was head of Chamber of Commerce, Rotary, and President of the corporation that owned his resort that all Cali's flew/drove to every holiday. So yah, thru dad, we were well off financially.... But burdened with lack of love. Or love being presented elsewhere. I heard it all directly from my mom. They both drank way too much, and when I saw those glossy eyes in a fight, I knew it was downtime in my bedroom. 
It just got more classic as it went along. My brother, me not knowing then- but us both sharing now, covering for my dad in every bad move he'd make. Me, consoling my mom in every warped decision she thought she couldn't make. I'd always console her, letting her know how beautiful she is, it's dads loss. And the moment she files, I am with her 100%. Now if she would only have looked at law stats back then, at the age I was at, I had all rights to chose which house would be better for me and my health. But she was so weak. Weakness comes from drinking too much, how you are raised if refuse to change, and denial of any God. 
My family, all their wealth they loved fell apart. It is the only reason my mother and father had to stay together. My brother though has details of my dad living his high life thru it all till then. Then he crashed into depression. My mom was basically holding the fort, as for my dad was wallowing over what he did to my mom that caused all of this, what was legally under his name at his company that his boss did to him which got him small time out of prison. Doing "good deeds" supposedly.  And he wallowed over self choices. Wallowed over not having that cash to give his son who watched his back all those years. 
No. We moved away from Havasu, to Chandler, then to Philadelphia all in my Junior year. I kept all emotions away from my parents, as for they obviously had too much on their plate. Troy worked at his second Marriott- which is where I took after him in my adult years with my 9 Marriotts and a Hilton. My brother had brought out his high school sweet heart thinking it would work out.... But she wound up in my bedroom.
My dad was still searching for the right job. He and his twin brother decided to take over 4 franchises of Hardee's in NC. I had 3 months until graduation up in where I finally adjusted- Downingtown, PA....yet they moved us ASAP to New Bern, NC. All along, there isn't a day without fighting....my sanity were friends and boyfriends getting me out of my home. 
But NC was the downfall. Where yes, I met my ex, eloped, ran off to California- anything to get away from such unloving walls. But my brother was stuck there for a while in family business, with his marriage on the line for them. 
Isn't having children about raising them to be and do who and what they strive and wish to? Well I figured how to get out no arguments, but my brother kept getting snarled at at the thought of leaving.
Well I finally talked my brother into interviewing for a job of a friend that was like an uncle to us- so he and his wife could make it back west. He got it. And a lot more.
It's like our parents are jealous we make real decisions in life for ourselves ..... And help us zero-- jealousy.
My brother provided a lot of income, fun things to do, elaborate gifts for my parents..... I provided their only grandchild they have zero to do with. When things came down on me, with my ex... It's like they were out to lunch forever. Kind of like when God doesn't answer a prayer- only these people are physically here, and talking to me, in denial my ex beat me. My brother and I have given so much, me, especially love, but they take. They just won't be there when you fall. They will side with the evil one first, because it's more convenient in their lives than hearing the truth. But the truth shall set us free, right!?! It did me.
It did because thru studying to become a psychologist then having to see one after my ex beat me, I learned the core of my problems came from childhood, as do most. My overdosing may have been started by a huge amount of Phenobarbital while pregnant.... But it was my number after he beat me and I had no parent to save me. Nor my daughter. Had God not placed me in the position as an Army wife, things never would have been so safe. They denied it all. I learned from that day forward I had to find someone REAL to trust. I could trust my husband of today, my friend that brought us together- he was like my dad.... My neurologist, and that is when I began a larger search yet for my big brother. 
He was so real. He sided a lot with our parents still as for he didn't live thru my hell I lived thru yet. Not until these past 8-10 years...really past 3 were toughest. As a sister, I may get angry as he lives and learns.... But I never refuse him out of my life, my house.  So I began my search for Jesus.
They never came to hospitalizations, they never talked to me about why was I overdosing. They just didn't have their feet on the surface to ask and deal. But the one day I asked my mom to watch my baby girl so I could go to this Church and find out about their childcare - as for I needed Something, Someone to fill my hurtful void. All my mom could gasply ask was " you are going to look for babysitters right?" Cause in her cold heart, there was zero other reason to go. 
My parents gave up years ago, and won't stop. They talk awful talk about me, my health behind my back psychologically to my brother out of jealousy and spite of our relationship. My mother talks to my brothers ex girlfriend just after she beat the crap out of him.... Both parents telling him to move on with her. NO!!! That girl I knew first, and knew she was psychotic from day one. But could I stop Troy from trying to make it something ... No. He had to learn the hard way. But my parents, as parents don't listen to the children, they listen to the other crazy halves. Well, mom, dad... We don't live your "have to" way. We know how to cut ugly cycles on our own, even if it means cutting one with you two.
I've loved Troy so much my whole life. But he was never parented properly. And I am so sad for that. He has the brilliant brain. So what, do you have to have an epileptic one like mine to truly be taken care of properly as a child....as proper as you two get. We knew all your drama, and covered your asses. But today you give up on us? Well no, as for I gave up on you in 1996-2002, 2003, 2004-2010- NOW... I am so glad Troy woke up, this is the only way he will mend. Troy my daughter is named after YOU! My life was to establish a relationship with YOU in our Cali days. I'm sorry it had to come on such a negative way... But I see it as a gift from God. Just as my beating from Coburn was....lead to Chrisrian and I today. We are real, and love you, no matter what negativity spurts from mom and dad. Just let it all go. You are our family Troy. 
As for your status quo mom and dad...,, mom is on a sick cycle that is full of anger and rage still and drinks to no end .... My daughter can't be around that. When we do come out, we'll search for you dad and do lunch. But all this talking behind backs out of jealousy of my actions, my husbands work knowledge, our relationship with Troy... It has to end. As for this is the end of us ever needing you all for anything, even love. As for ours is so rich- we have so much to give, but all you two do is reject it. 
We don't have time for that. I have wonderful in laws. A beautiful family that includes MY BROTHER. And he is worth every tear drop, every pain, every dollar times a billion to keep him in my life, this world, and working completely sane.... Than you two who just give up, waste money on guns you can't afford. Well wishes.....

I know who to love and trust.... That is still bare in your ball court though.... Without Jesus, Troy and I wouldn't be here, wouldn't be best friends ... Tory wouldn't be blessed with a mom she adores, dad, and Unco.... And an Unco she was named after ..... We need Jesus for this, not others. Those are choices by no one but yourselves. 

Your estranged maybe "biological" daughter,
Heather Siebens 

Proverbs 14:2. Those who follow the right path fear the LORD; those who take the wrong path despise Him. 

Proverbs 19:21. You can make many plans, but the LORD'S purpose will prevail!

Ecclesiastes 5:10. "Those who love money will NEVER have enough. How absurd to think that wealth brings true happiness.

Ecclesiastes 6:9. Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don't have. Just dreaming about nice things is meaningless; it's like chasing the wind.

Isaiah 53 1-12. Who has believed our message? To whom will the LORD reveal His saving power? My servant grew up in the LORD'S presence like a tender green shoot, sprouting from a root in dry and sterile ground. There was nothing beautiful or majestic about His appearance, nothing to attract us to Him. He was despised and rejected- a Man of sorrows, aquatinted with bittersweet grief. We turned our backs on Him and looked the other way when He went by. He was despised, and we did not care.
Yet it was our weaknesses He carried; it was our sorrows that weighed Him down. And we thought His troubles were a punishment from God for His own sins! But He was wounded and crushed for our sins. He was beaten that we may have peace. He was whipped, and we were healed! All of us have strayed away like sheep. We have left God's paths to follow our own. Yet the LORD laid on Him the guilt and sins of us all. 
He was oppressed and treated harshly, yet He never said a word. He was led as a lamb to the slaughter. And as a sheep is silent before the shearers, He did not open His mouth. From prison and trial they led Him away to His death. But who among the people realized that He was dying for THEIR sins-that He was suffering their punishment? He had done no wrong, and He never deceived anyone. But He was buried like a criminal, He was put in a rich mans grave. 
But it was the LORD'S good plan to crush Him and fill Him with grief. Yet when His life is made an offering for sin, He will have a multitude of children, many heirs. He will enjoy a long life, and the LORD'S plan will prosper in His hands. And because of what He has experienced, my Righteous Servant will make it possible for many to be counted righteous, for He will bear their sins. I will give Him the Honors of One who is Mighty and great, because He exposed Himseld to death. He was counted among those who were sinners. He bore the sins of many and interceded for sinners.

Galatians 6:7. Don't be misled. Remember that you can't ignore God and get away with it. You will always reap what you sow!

Ephesians 5:31. As Scriptures say, " A man leaves his father and mother and is joined with to his wife, and the two are united into one.

Ephesians 6:11. Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies and tricks of the Devil.

Hebrews 11:1. What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see.

Revelation 21:6-8. "It is finished! I Am The Alpha and Omega- the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give the springs of the water of life without charge! All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children. But cowards who turn away from me, and unbelievers, and the corrupt, and murderers, and the immoral, and those who practice witchcraft, and idol worshippers, and all liars- their doom is in the lake of fire and sulfur. This is the second death.

My Man


The Man my husband is
Never comes very easy
Even when life's a friz
He stands ground to be cheesy

His love never fails, vanishes, or is put on the line
His love is so pure and true 
He is one in all circumstances to make all feel just fine
Christian always gets us thru

He is my stars, my moon, my sun
He is everything intended from above
I have never lost in life, only won!
Cause this man, my husband is full of LOVE!

We may have hard times wondering if I'll make it
My man has no doubt of His Divine plans 
So yes I struggle thru my health trying not to throw a fit
Cause you see, my husband Christian is my #1 fan!

So I never want to let my man down
If our big bulging sun should rise 
Or it is ghastly pouring rain all over town
We always live in love, not lies

Christian we live in a crazy world you and me
But there isn't a moment I'd ever erase
You are a man filled with our love, hope, and reality 
You my love I'll never lose but continue to chase!

Let's say good bye to Philly we won't be back 'round
Nor is Phoenix going to be our next town
Minnesota was so fun and I'll miss it forever
But let's keep trying Florida in hopes of moving never

As for you are my sunshine anywhere we go
You are my backbone in ragged times
There isn't one other soul I'd ever love like you- so
Let's sit on our back porch and listen to our chimes

You are my love, fresh air, reason I breathe 
Never think twice about the love I have in thee
You are my wants, needs, desires- my Everything!
Let's show the world that true love is more than Something!!!

I love you Christian Siebens,
Your less brain wife,
Early in the morning,
Heather (Hetty) Siebens
Your Satellite Princess

In response to:

My girl..

My girl is the one
She is full of fun
But when she feels bad
The world seems so sad
She is talented art
Because she has such a big heart
Soon my eyes will catch your glance
And we will begin our dance
I love you beyond compare
Even when you have all different color hair..

Your Man- Satellite King

1 Corinthians 13:13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is LOVE! 

Colossians 1:16-17. Christ made everything in the heavens and on the earth. He made everything that is seen and things that are not seen. He made all the powers of heaven. Everything was made by Him and for Him. Christ was before all things. All things are held together by Him.

Are We??? from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.


Question Everything?

When does life feel just?
When can you establish trust?
As for all the ups and downs in life-
Seems like we are all living in strife.

When that big yellow sun comes crashing down--
And all of those monkeys go rattling downtown.
Who out of all them seem to be telling twisted lies?
Who just continues doing so even causing brains to fry!?

This world we live in seems so jaded.
When everyone's goal is who to be hated!
When things come crashing down where do we turn?
When we lose loved ones, companies, who won't turn and burn?

Where is the trust of yesterday, the love of our family?
Why do we question everything that isn't full of glee?
It's like we truly live in this fake plastic nation.
That can only talk to us at 6pm if on the right station.?

Well that isn't how my life was prepped to live I say!
My family will make it thru any windy or rainy day!
I may be complex with a lot of complications!
But no illness can be worse than watching any TV station.

They fill us full of hatred and greed!
When all it takes is One True God to lead!
Lead us down our winding road wondering if we're lost..?
But taking the lead and trusting Him, not judging what it'd cost!!?

With Christ as my center it doesn't make life easy, it makes life hard!
We are to stand up for Him, for each other and remain on guard!
For each other's lives, each other's homes, down every winding road-
Just know I'd always stand up for you thru Him, til the very day I grow old.!!


Angelia~ Don't Fret

Angelia~ don't fret ...

Life was never easy for you,
Just a walk through the park. 
Some days seemed so amazing,
Yet so many trapped in the dark.

But you knew how to find yourself precious 
Bright light or pitch black out always handled things cool
When you had a goal you knew you'd have it, no end
But then came turns & jabs unexpectantly-you needed to know the fool.

Who could ever put YOUR babies life at risk without questions or consent?
Whoever could hold such a fragile being, as an object of science, not life?
I know who couldn't  & wouldn't it's You DOC MOM! You my friend are a gift from God, a present.
One who knew everything going on around her, and everybody's strife.

You are one tough cookie who continued life so positively as could be.
Thru all Nickybear went thru, most mothers would have already quit
But you kept pushing and including him, teaching and loving past degree.
He will never forget you girl, not one moment;just can't wait one bit!

Why? Cause you are a real mom. Dealing with reality of love and strife.
You knew the hardship realities of what this evilness could do
But you didn't let it get in the way of Nickybear living a young boy's life.
So much he did down here because OF YOU but sought him thru

You never gave up you never folded, you were a rock thru every step
I admire moms like you who chug away, fix, and push on then
Yet you love him so much you get up go again as if no fret
All you have created, all you have done, I just know you'd do it again.  

Your heart is still very full, full of his love here on earth
I couldn't imagine my child's life outside of giving birth
But you dear Ang take me by surprise 
by how much more you handle
Even between all your needed cries.

He is a precious gift once physically given to you a beautiful Sept morning
Who ever in this world would take that baby home with any type of warning
But so wise were you in seeking help fast,
In order to help all relationships with him last.

Now so many understand why you are mourning still.
He was straight up a gift from God born on a perfect fall date.
If only more could see the impact he made on little me who is ill,
Or believe not all are right some docs making mistakes-not fate.

But keep your chin as high as it goes.
Nickybear will send a butterfly to your nose.
He will talk to you in ways like never before.
The moment you lay it at Christ's feet not behind a door.

His promises are real and totally in tact
Never think once God never has your back
You are one super mom going thru mourning like Job
He will always understand that, give you time in your robe.

One day we will all meet up there where Nickybear has it set up his way
Which may be different than now, but I couldn't see how.
But I know that special all time angel- kisses you every day!
And one day you'll see or hear or feel him, and let out a crying wow!

Please don't forget me Angelia, you mean so much to me.
So much I wish I could tell you, or was able to take away from thee 
I know when He has plans there is always a Divine purpose never crystal clear
And leaves us to take hard times on unknowing cost and somehow give Him our fear

Today I say thank You God for giving Angelia and family such a very precious son
His birthday around the corner, here on earth just isn't as fun
But I know You have miraculous plans with all thru this thick and strife 
Some days just feels like a delusion but we know Nicky is there, alright.

Happy Birthday young man your mama misses you so
She helped me learn so much about you-I didn't want you to go
I wish I could have taken it on my 3rd brain surgery for you
But our God has way more plans Nicky, using you to get us thru!

Your mom is very special to me, please keep her in my prayers
She's truly an Angelic person with a heart you just don't dare
She is true and real and always in love with you
Please Nicky pass it on to Christ, to help get her thru.

One day when we are all out of this earthly circus walking on the wire
One day when we all were blown away about this young mans life
We will all gather up in Heaven talk about it all knowing not one is a liar
And carry on in Heaven above in love, friendship, but no strife.

I love you Angelia....and adore your precious son, gone too soon from Earth..... But still scoring 
points in Heaven, touching lives left and right.

Happy Birthday to you both this September 22nd...... Breathe thru it girl. Breathe his air he'll send!

Love you,



He Still Responds to My 2nd Brain Surgery Letter

Wrote this to be opened March 28, 2005, after I already went in for my first part of my 2nd brain surgery.

This was so hard on Christian. He came from a family who rarely needed Tylenol or Band-Aids. There I was getting in depth electrodes put in to read my seizures before they hit, to turn parts of my brain on and off in order to see if it was ok to resect that part. This all made Christian so nervous. So scared. On top of it all, as my fi├ínce he had to take care of our beautiful daughter, Tory Moriah. That really flipped him out. So-last night I resent my letter to him, and this morning as I slept-He responded. Just to make me cry. Yes, tears of joy.. Some tears of why me-cause I sure was a lot better then. But wow it's beautiful!! 

Mine from March 28, 2005

Dear Christian~


I am not positive where to start. You are my everything. I learned slowly, you are not my air, as for God truly is. You are the life support that has kept me here mentally by “our” choice. When I was down, you picked me up. When I was unwell, you helped me feel better. A lot of it in the beginning, you just didn’t get. You just knew there was this creature God was providing for a reason. You didn’t have strong feelings for just fun and games. You acted on them as He intended you to and I am still here. We are together. We are both focused on God. I am on my way to surgery to become better for our family. We are both growing stronger together throughGod and with God. This all happened for reasons. I thank God everyday for my struggles. I won’t ever step away from Him. Once the Phenobarbital Heather vanished and the new Heather came out, a new Christian Siebens did too! One full of pure love and words I never heard within my family. I thank God for my memory. I can think of every month of our relationship and remember spectacular things that touch my heart. Even if Phenobarbital was somehow intertwined, you somehow made moments spectacular. You have so much awesome kindness that words cannot express your ability to heal me mentally with kind words. Unfortunately, that isn’t the way it goes with the seizures. However, I do know if you weren’t in my life, my seizures would be on going as they were when I was with Nathan. It would be a non-stop game until my brain is worked on. You have made this simpler for the most part. I apologize for the things I could not provide, and wish that I could. But for me to be the one you want and the one I want to be for you, I need to focus on God and focus on this surgery. I am going to come out in a bit of pain, but so much less pain than last time. I now have accepted God fully in my life and He provided me with such a living treasure. You. I watch you with our daughter and I am amazed you weren’t with her from day one. The comforting bond you two have is like the comfort you have with your own father. I need you in my life to share love, to learn love. I know what the subject is and I know when I do and how much I do. I just need to learn how to show it better. I am a Jensen and we are different. I just need you to know I do love you with all my heart, mind and soul. (I do have some mind) I will again be back for you. Let’s look forward to this surgery, my recovery, our relationship, our marriage, our family and the continuance of it all! We are worth it all and more. I never had this many memories with anyone. Not the good ones to keep. You have been through a lot with me and I credit you for it. I will be there for you always. That is why God wants me better. He wants me to be that awesome wife of great support. We are doing things right in His eyes. I am doing them happy and pray you are too. When you do things to please Him and that in turn pleases you, He will reward you in one way or another. Just  smile and know He is here with us both, or all three. The hard part is over. Going through things without His help. We both know we can’t. He now is in control of all of our issues and we have His love and support. Don’t ever think twice about me not pulling through all of this, He is with me. I will be with you until our earthly time ends! 

I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together. I look forward to this hospital stay, healing, and the funny hairdo afterward when I am better. Just buy me some make-up so some of me looks all right!  


Christian, I thank God for you. For Stauffer introducing us. For all of my issues that got us here. I love everything about you and more. Others couldn’t fathom having the life we have. Without love, we would die like the rest. Thank God for providing that!


While I am gone…read our Bible, take care of our precious one, visit me some, go to our church, update our friends there, talk with our family about it all…even if it seems the Jensen side doesn’t want to talk. You are the best father, I know it, she knows it, my parents see it, and God knows it for sure. It is your turn to recognize it. Enjoy that time, for when I return it will be crazy!


I love you my precious one!





Philippians 4: 6-7
Don't worry about anything: instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

In return -my precious hubby sent this today....

Sept.7 2015


Although 10 years have passed since you wrote this amazing, heartfelt letter, I know we still feel the same about each other. Actually, we have been through so much since then I know we love each other more.. More completely. My vow to you was to love and protect you through sickness and health. I may not do that always as well as I should, but my commitment is still alive and well. I am proud of you.. More than you know. Although you have struggled and at times wanted to give up.. You keep moving trying your best to be better for us all...you are a true fighter and outwardly you want to let the world know you got this. But I know inside your heart is vulnerable and you need you support, love and help. I will be this for you.. To the best of my ability you can rest in me. I will be your strength when you are down.. I promised you that.. And with God's help I will only become better at it for you, for us... For our family. I know you are scared of what is ahead.. But don't be. God has brought you through so much.. He has surrounded you with love, His and others he has is your life.. This is not by accident. He has plans for you still.. And no matter what, I am excited to see what those plans are.. Because as your husband.. I'll be at your side through them all.

You will survive, we will survive.. And together with Jesus we will thrive.. Whether in Florida, Arizona or wherever. 

Never lose hope.. You are a true miracle of God. Smile...your light is bright and I am confident the light emitting from you is still growing.

I love you beyond measure..



Sent from my iPhone

Christian, I love you with all my heart, mind, soul, strength...this is all I need to push on. You are my EVERYTHING ... 

In His Love and Grace,


Philippians 1:29 For you have been given not only the privilege of trusting in Christ but also the privilege of suffering for him.


Never Again- " Mayo Clinic" in Jacksonville, FL...

Well.... how it went......

Above- my disaster from Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, FL- ONLY....

To that I say-

It used to be due to several cruel people, really. But this one truly took the cake. No one can take someone (for example, myself), who has conquered so many health battles in life, and in turn use those same health battles against me. What I am referring to when I say this? The horrific "Special Notes" written in a biased and untruthful manner by Dr. Kristine M Thompson (a physician in the Mayo Clinic Emergency Room in Jacksonville, FL).

This place lacks dignity, care, testing, solutions, strategies. The core of the problem is the amount of staff, next problem, the type of staff.

We can all go back in 2003 and discuss...what I went thru, what my neurologist from Mayo in PHOENIX AZ... went thru without a wink- TO SAVE ME.... But I do not take judgements from ED people, who haven't chosen a specialty- who don't stay true to their patients..... and who do not bring up your history charts to see that you have never once sought out pain medication in your lifetime. Been in excruciating pain that my... MY doctors, no- MY SPECIALISTS in Phoenix, AZ Fight and test, and fight, and retest until everything is exhausted.... Then pick up again and start over.

So, in a move I think anyone would agree was a very well-reasoned, we decided on Jacksonville, FL - which so happens to have a large Mayo Clinic minutes from our new home. We all agreed that having Mayo Clinic so convenient and close to my house in Florida would help this pain disaster. Until we GOT back, we didn't figure but a second round for pain treatment would be needed for my ferocious pain here at the JACKSONVILLE MAYO AND  will be traveling back to the REAL MAYO- at Mayo in Phoenix, AZ.... since no one here calls back, and no one here tests or cares. Which is totally ok, I've ALWAYS LOVED THE ONE IN PHOENIX.... I named my cat after it. I had all 3 brain surgeries there and more. And they push on. Respect.

We HAD to go back to the ED in hopes these people, like Dr. Braggs, or really more off Dr. Thompson were just living nightmares, that may have repeated more than once or twice, but it could have just been their foul weather here, their bad short stocked nights, or really in fact, that they were just as horrifying as they really came across each and every time???! I give people more than second chances, right!!?? Well.... Dr K Thompsom belittled me in my pain, and discomfort to the point I was already nauseous from pain- but she threw it out of proportion. Judging me WHY I REALLY was there, what for, and she would control what medication to prescribe - which I don't have necessarily true allergic reactions to, but rather can have sensitive reactions to that defeat the purpose of the medication.

Did Dr. Thompson EVER read my 13 year devoted chart to Mayo, at least Mayo in Phoenix and Rochester? NO. She would have seen I invested as much time, energy, money, trust, and health into MY docs, that she had zero idea where I was standing today in life. She has poor judgment and clarity... For that should not be "caring" for anyone. As for hers isn't just a rainy day. Her additude is every night and day.

So due to Braggs, John, many others and of course, Dr. Kristine M Thompson, I will fly 3000 miles and back every week before I EVER drive 3 exits to see them ever again. The facility as a whole is disrespectful. There is zero care of your concerns... You are just a number at THIS MAYO IN JACKSONVILLE, FL.... THE REASON people in the Midwest to the West Coast NEVER HAVE HEARD A PEEP ABOUT THIS MAYO. The reason THIS MAYO even runs a LITTLE DIFFERENT SHIP and has its own "secondary" number as opposed to just the ONE Clinic number.
The Mayo in Jacksonville, FL won't end here... Neither will Dr. Kristine M Thompson. This is when things just begin. And you just wish you would have thought twice about NOT BEING IN THE MAYO SYSTEM OF RESPECT, INTEGRGRITY, NON-judgmental of your patients.... Like the Mayo in Phoenix, Scottsdale, AZ.... And Rochestser and all sister hospitals in MN. You have truly begun a nightmare Miss Kristine Thompson.... Unless you know how to apologize, admit failure, face to face and on paper work in the next 90 days.... You have so much to answer. I will be there. But you owe all, ALL OF MY WESTERNIZED MAYO's SORRY's. We live a bit different sharp life in Western America- which is I guess why people look for Western medicine. Start With my neurologist, I'd be thrilled to go down a list of people you need to include Ms Thompson. As for my doctors never fade. MINE DONT....

Keep working the way you wish.... I will keep traveling THE FRIENDLY SKIES to Mayo in Phoenix, AZ..... BLESSINGS.



To God be the Glory, Honor, Praise!

Proverbs 13: 13

People who despise advice will find themselves in trouble; those who respect it will succeed.

Proverbs 24:12

Don't try to avoid responsibility by saying you didn't know about it. For God knows ALL hearts, AND HE SEES YOU. He keeps watch over your soul, and He knows YOU KNEW!! And He will judge ALL people according to what they have done.

For Dr. Joseph F Drazkowski, Dr. B Vargas, Dr. R.S. Zimmerman, Dr.Cynthia Stonnington .... This verse below applies to you all so perfect in my heart-with so many thanks! For God has used you all as a distinct tool and continues to in this generation-yes for me!!! But Amen for ALL. Bless you all ....this is for you....

Matthew 4:24

News about Him (Jesus) spread far beyond the borders of Galilee so that the sick were coming to be healed from as far away as Syria. And whatever their illness and pain, or if they were possessed by demons, or were epileptics, or were paralyzed-HE HEALED THEM ALL.

Cut and Stapled Many Times from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Below my amazing Epileptologist who saved me- 13 years- Dr. Joseph F Drazkowski. Mayo Clinic Hospital in Phoenix, AZ........
I will fly 6000 miles for ALL of you there..... thank you! 


My Precious Angel

My Precious Angel- Tory 

My daughter- a very special gift from God. One that was going to learn quickly and deeply about Jesus as I started to go to church when she was two. She soaked that up and shared all she knew with everyone she'd be with. "Did you know that Jesus died on the Cross for you?" It was beautiful... yet I hadn't accepted Him yet, so I was a bit mortified!! She has breezed thru all my illnesses and medical complications knowing God has a major purpose for me-one big one is being her mommy! And I am so grateful she views that. And is thrilled to tell kids what my brain has gone thru! My amazing girl just keeps growing-now has her own horses. Responsibility. Awesome child of God.
Blessed Christian and I forever.
I cannot express how much I love this angel -my precious daughter from Jesus to me! For all her amazing parts and pieces- I give God all the Glory, Honor and praise... for she has had a heart for comforting others way before any normal creature. She missed her mommy, me, whom was in the hospital for a week for my 1st brain surgery in 2002 when she was barely over 1... I was in SO MUCH PAIN.... but somehow, this princess knew not to hug hard-as she ran toward me to hug me, she halted, rested her left hand on my right leg, as she look up high to my wrapped head and swollen face and black/red swollen eye-she paused then just gently and slowly wrapped her arms around my legs to show her how much love she has for me-and I swear, even before she and I had started to go to church, that God was in her and she had some sort of 1 year old prayer going on... Tory Moriah Siebens is a very special gift to me, that I never could thank Jesus enough for... This picture is from her and I just yapping at each other from last night, about so many subjects. We've been thru so much together- and she and I are worth every trial... Hug your kiddos, they are the best gift and blessing God can give an awesome married couple. We are so blessed.... I am so grateful-- that He chose who would be the not only perfect husband,Christian C Siebens for me, but that Christian would be Tory’s perfect daddy at a young age- young enough to only see him as daddy, young enough to not realize that her biological beat me while she slept soundly in her room the first night we were in our apartment in Killeen, TX. Last time we were all together ever as a family. She never saw my ex as dad- he was gone figuring out his life most of the time. So his beating me, my pill popping then search for Christ was the most amazing intervene with zero regrets. She has a real family. We can throw humor out about the biological here and there- but mostly, he just has dissipated on his own choice. Which was good for her seizures that went away, self esteem, schooling. She is my Tory.
She has bloomed so much past all my brain surgeries and screw and plate removals, hospitalizations, etc. She is one strong, loving, caring baby girl thru it all. She has a very tender heart. I wouldn’t change anything in the world that ever began all my seizures going nuts- cause if I did, I wouldn’t be blessed with her.

I have major down days- hit with pain in the head and neck I’ll never be able to explain but horrendous … but she gets it all. And still is so gentle and loving with me, yet has such a blast with her friends. Understands my limits, never throws a fit. Yet we also have her perfect dad, my husband who has been here thru everything and there for everything. She IS his kid. His teen. Some days thru my sick days I get so jealous. But others I just thank God for the perfect match- I couldn’t imagine life any different. They are my one in all!

I truly thank God for my angel…. we’ve been thru so much, her watching me convulse for hours so young, divorce she didn’t get, brain surgeries 1,2,3… moving so many times due to my health. She is yet such a bubbly daughter I thank Jesus for. Most would throw tempers… she just throws love. I don’t know what else to do but praise You Jesus. She is a work of art from YOU for Christian and I. Thank YOU!

You are endlessly loved Tory, even as you grow. Your maturity amazes me. Your heart reminds me so much of this one person I know really well. You are my angel, yesterday, today, forever.

I love you Tory….

Your Mommy,


Hetty/Heather Siebens
To God be the Glory Honor Praise!!!

You and I Won Baby Girl from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.


Out of Control trying to Come to Control


This is the man, the doc, the neurologist at Mayo Hospital in Phoenix AZ....HE is an Epileptologist, Professor at Mayo, high ranked not just by me, but so many others. He is a son of 6, Husband, father to one beautiful daughter. He also loves to ride very nice motorcycles, and has an array quite a few. He is a very deeply caring doctor... Never wants to throw the towel in, no matter how complicated neurology is. Yet he is so loving and compassionate and fights for your rights. Not many neuros in this works like that. In fact they strain to take your drivers license away more than fight for you to have one. He is all about your quality of life being positive, or your seizure will go out of whack, and more.

I've been his patient since February 20, 2002 at 2:00 pm. Man when I first saw him, he looked rough like I had a lot to answer or have him to set me straight. No. He is very funny and as many on the 5th floor have named him, a teddy bear, very gentle and caring to all. 

I have been living this neck, head, forehead, eyes, nose bridridge, ears all killing me pain, off and on for months- it just exceeded worse today and even my eyesight is off- and I went to the ER here in FL to hopefully alleviate pain. It wasn't going far, nor were my calls to this neuro at the Mayo here in FL. Out of the blue, While crying in pain at the Mayo  here I just think is in la la land here in Jacksonville, FL....I got a call from my lifetime neurologist at the Mayo in Phoenix. Says if I can clear my schedule he'll set up all tests to figure out what to do. Cause I can't go on like this. I'm sure trying, miserably failing. 

I truly thank God for placing Drazkowski in my life. I wouldn't be alive today had he not been. He was a pusher for me in my over dosing days, after my ex beat me, to keep seeking God. He kept me proud I did. There just aren't many like this out there. His poor voice crackled to my tears.... We go so far back like we are blood related, uncle and niece....and he fears losing me. He has a heart no neurologist has- zero. And should have every award under the moon. My life is only sane and grounded and livable thru Draz. I sure thank Jesus for him in every life he is part of. He changes lives and health for the good, never to give up. These are the moments I can hold onto hope still..... I am blessed.

Bless you all...

From my journey to yours!

Heather/Hetty Siebens 


    To God Be The Glory Honor Praise!


    Pain Out of Control

    Add to Google

    I still try to be goofy me, no matter how much pain I am in.
    But this has been very outrageous. 

    Ever since I got here to FL it has all been on fire. My neck kills in pain, runs up to my head, my ears, my eyes.... and when there was brief relief-it was extreme body pain. Didn't ever seem to matter what medication I took-what infusion I got-it was never getting better. We are now on month #2- God only knows how many doctor appointments, how many horrific ER visits here in the south-wonderful Mayo Clinic-but day and night from mine in AZ. It somehow actually became humorous thru it all. But this just isn't ending. I will be up past 4 AM almost every night due to crazy pain making it unable to fall asleep- so language is a bit altered from that and short term memory. It is just so so frustrating. And everyone always wants to write it off as Fibromyalgia. Always. There is just more to it. Much more. It's fine to have "that" too.... but there is more to this when your brain has been resected three times. More has to be dug into. But Lord, we wouldn't want to go to far, now would we.??? Thank you Obama.... no matter how great your insurance is- how amazing your tests are- it still boils down to how much more do we have to do?? In 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010 even 2011 and 2012 were okay? They'd do everything from the moon and back. But things began to get a bit harder. Less in depth. And hard part is- this is the worst pain I've had ever. What test is this dear Lord?
    I try my best to remain positive. Active. Loving. In Love with my family and Jesus. But wow can I fall apart. It's just truth of the matter. I push myself so hard to see life from other people's shoes. My friend Alissa just went thru bone marrow transplant, another friend another drastic surgery for cancer-still in ICU months later.... my friend Ashley who has epilepsy who deals with daily stress with seizures- with her adorable young kiddos. And my friend Mary who has dealt with hard cards for several big illnesses, yet has it in her to look up so much info for me one late night. This is God.  And thank you Cathy for the 4 hour talk..... we sure were able to connect and vent such similarities!!! I am blessed in these ways- and hanging on... but wow- am I ever in pain.
    My husband and daughter have hearts beyond the moon. As if they are standing in Heaven with Jesus. Christian looked up info where a lot made sense. Perhaps it is the Gluten in food. We will try that. I just don't know if that is what is affecting these quick come on's with my neck, head, ears, face pain. It is so hard to talk it hurts so bad. But I do. I can't go without that. I press on. I love you Jefferey for driving me home last night cause I whimped out at your house finally- I just talked to much. I have a limit. You are blessed Alissa.
    I truly thank God for you all. You all always have so many kind words- uplifting for me. I know I don't say enough. It has just been so hard. I am trying. This blog is an amazing step. It is just very hard. Feels like my neck is broken. Funny thing is.... our new home- we live on Neck Rd. Now isn't that ironic. Does God get a kick out of these things, or what.
    I am sure praying people aren't feeling like this- that maybe for once my prayer to take on other's pain came true... cause it is a lot. I couldn't imagine worse right now. But I sure know it is out there- that is the scary part. I am always proven that. For those words- I am praying for you all. You will touch so many lives.
    All I can say is I try to stop crying and keep my head up... so to say.... and know I am not alone.... 
    So much love and prayers to you all... I am never far away.... text, call, skype, message.

    In His Love,

    Heather/Hetty Siebens

    Joshua 1:9
    "This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

    Matthew 4:24
    News about Him spread far beyond the borders of Galilee so that the sick were soon coming to be healed from as far away as Syria. And whatever their illness and pain, or if they were possessed by demons, or were EPILEPTICS, or were paralyzed-he healed them all! NLT